Wow…Time flies really fast…
it’s already 2010… I’m gonna be another year older…
As the days goes by, I realize that I am getting closer to the day when I leave Singapore and go back to the cold hard reality. No matter how much I want to turn away from it, no matter how much I don’t want to, I still have to. Go back to the place when it’s tough and everything around you is different, back to the place when it’s only me against the rest of the world. I am very reluctant to leave, very reluctant to go back, I even have nightmares about me going back there. I don’t want to leave Singapore, I wish I could stay here for as long as I can, I don’t want to leave a place I call home and try to live a life in a country where I don’t have a home at all. I want to be close to my family and not like freaking 20hours flight away from them. I hate this reality and I want to escape from it, I don’t want to go back there, but I have to, cause this is the path I’ve chose, this is the path I’ve decided and this is the path I am walking. I keep telling myself that time flies fast, I know it does and soon I will be back in Singapore again. When I’m back here, I feel confident in whatever I do and everything feels better, I feel that I am MARINA again. When I’m there, it feel like I’m a different person, living in someone else’s life, living in a someone else’s body, although when I look in the mirror I see myself, however, when I don’t look in the mirror, I feel like I’m not myself. What happened to MARINA? What happened to ME? Why do I not feel like myself?
I don’t want to face reality, I don’t want to be far far away. I don’t want to feel down and upset and have no one to tell. I don’t want to make mistakes. I don’t want to pretend like I don’t know anything. I don’t want to be unhappy all the time, I really want to be happy. I want to laugh really hard because it’s really funny. I don’t want to put on a fake laughter when it’s not funny at all.
I just want to be HAPPY. I just want to be ME.
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